The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
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[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.