The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
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Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.