“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
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If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Everything reminds me of my ex
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.