Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
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going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
No regrets in 2018
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?