My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
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Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.