Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
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Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!