[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
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“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.