Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
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My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
shit, they caught us—run!!!
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”