Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
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kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?