Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
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I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony