A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
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me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
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We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers