My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
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Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Wake me when AI does housework
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.