i think both sides are to blame here
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I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.