me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
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Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.