It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
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Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
I鈥檓 like 鈥f parking too far away from the curb was a person.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
I don鈥檛 have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I鈥檓 talking to people I鈥檝e apparently met before.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren鈥檛 supposed to.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Love it! 馃憤馃槀
I don鈥檛 understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i鈥檝e ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.