My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
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processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Autocorrect completely socks
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks