how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
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I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
August 8
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.