1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
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HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?