24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
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I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga