Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
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It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.