cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
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[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you