I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
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I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
I triple waxed for this?
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.