New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
You Might Also Like
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.