Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
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I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
the simulation is moving too fast
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen