He is just living hist best little life 😊
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Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.