it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
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Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
scared to check what name she chose
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.