If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
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It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
There’s only one good girl here!
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
True
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.