i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
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I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Every work meeting this week
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?