BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
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My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
me 2 months after i graduated
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.