It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
You Might Also Like
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
screw you
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.