Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
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Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*