Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
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Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Who’s your best friend?
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Always the camel, never the toe.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast