my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
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Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
he was correct
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean