Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
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Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Barbie gone wild
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!