7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
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I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house