The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
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[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
This guy’s not having it 😆