Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
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Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.