[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
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I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.