Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
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Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
*jazz hands*
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.