her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
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I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Cndnsd Mlk
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Guy who likes music