Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
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As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
This trial is so absurd 😭
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
You know…for fall…
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN