Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
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I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer: