DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
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ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.