I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
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Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my