What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
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thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.