*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
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[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.