Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
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Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this