Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
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Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Oh no
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did