[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
OMG 🤣🤣
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Pass gas, not judgment.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers