Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
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ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough